Disappointed

Last weekend, me and my sister decided to try selling some Corndog and drinks at Latib's Kolam Pancing.  He had told us previously via a phone conversation that there will be no others food and drinks stall. So we decided it is a good opportunity to set up an F&B stall. Unfortunately, he lied.  I am annoyed to this day. There is no worst misfortune that can defeat having a bad father.

Mirror Like Friend

 Hey Good Morning Kaisya, Yeah I know yesterday is such a roller coaster ride. Truthfully I am quite surprised to see myself in another person. For example, my mental illness about Bipolar Disorder has been a major setback for me to achieve and accomplish anything. Seeing is believing that is what everyone has said before. Now I have seen it and I believe it. The way people with Bipolar Disorder feel is different from normal people. They always feel more than others. If they are sad it's like the whole world crumbles into nothingness. If they are happy they feel like they are on cloud nine. 

Living my day

 Hey, I have been away for quite some time now. I actually missed something in my life. These past few months have been turbulence for me and the people around me. Last night, for some reason I don't know why I missed my soulmate(LCJI). Well, it's quite common to miss a person from time to time.

Lately, I have questioned my life plan. I have lots of doubts too. At the age of 27 years old what have I accomplished? Then the next question is am I will ever be ready to migrate to Spain in 5 years? Am I going to be a Chess Grandmaster 10 years from now? How do I achieve these goals? 

I need to build and accumulate tiny good habits every day. I really need to do that. Loving myself is just not enough anymore. I chose to focus on 1 thing in life which is my Chess career. My next big thing is to get that National Master title. 2022 is not that far away. For once in my life, I need to stop thinking that I still got time to leisure around. I watched a Netflix movie last night and the movie got to me. The movie basically got me thinking that time does not wait for anybody. I need to chase time. I am not getting younger. I am getting older by second, minutes, hours, days, months, and years. 

Those who fail to plan is planning to fail. Therefore I am going to plan my life, for real this time. Planing is about a rough sketch at first, then it will become a clearer picture. I already decided that the first thing going in my rough plan is;

1. Finished a book every month.

2. Play 10 chess games per day.

3. Morning Coffee or Tea.

4. Night Self-care routine.

5. Morning daily entry journal.

Mierda!!!

     Fuck you. Well, what I give I should get back. Aku tolong kerja kau while kau melepak dengan jantan. Aku tolong kerja kau yg kau tangguh sebab jantan. Ape sial nyer lepastu kau sidai aku as always sebab jantan. Wey WHAT THE FUCK SIAL!!!  kau memang hidup kau hanya berpaksikan jantan ke bodoh. Lepas tu bile aku marah dengan kau, kau nangis. Eh kau memang sial ke? Lepastu aku pulak yg kene marah dengan mak. Dasar babi. 

    Mak pun dari dulu sampai sekarang kalau anak die gaduh yang nangis tu victim. Yang tak nangis tu yang die akan marah n tegur. FUCK-OFF. The fuck wey aku yang kene marah. Walhal aku dah tolong mak kemas rumah and buang sampah. Meanwhile along tu just lepak dengan jantan. Do you know that Along does not even toleh kat mak la fikir nak tolong ke ape. Hidup dan Mati die hanye untuk Jantan. Die takde ambition whatsoever untuk improve diri sendiri. Yang die tahu die nak improve berape ramai jantan die boleh ade. Aku admit la aku single takde jantan. So jadual aku lain dengan die. But what the fuvk wey. 

    Kau tahu tak kalau kau gune masa kau yg kau spend untuk jantan-jantan kau tu boleh je kejar kejayaan. Seriously I have been trying to say all this things to your face but, I respect ur shit. However, yesterday issues is my last straw. I would never help you so that you can enjoy your time with jantan-jantan kau. Wey aku dah lame sabar kut dengan kau yang on-call malam-malam then ganggu aku nak tidur. The fuck sial kau beli katil King nak share tapi bodoh tak tahu yang nanti nak OTP dengan jantan susah. Bodoh. Kau dah la pemalas basuh baju sendiri pun malas. kemas rak baju sendiri pun sial malas nyer. LOL. Ade hati nak ber-jantan bagai. wey spender baju dalam pun mak tolong basuh. 

    Ehh sudah sudah la jadi malas nyer babi. Kau tak rase malu ke bodoh. Baju kau dari kotor, mak basuh mak sidai mak lipat mak susun. Eiiiii bodoh kau memang sial lepas tu acah nangis acah baik buat aku nampak villain. SIAL!  Mak akan anggap aku jahat. Padehal kau yang macam babi sidai aku lame-lame. Kau memang perangai sial kau sidai jantan kau sampai kau gune kat aku jugak. Babi! Aku tolong kau kemas bilik, kemas rak baju, basuh pinggan mangkuk kau masak tolong kerja kau tolong susun baju kau. Ini aku dapat. Kau memang sial. Aku janji dengan diri aku, yang aku tak kan layan perangai sial pemalas kau ever again. Kau nak malas lantak kau. 

    Btw sial, kau kan memang pemalas kau P.E.M.A.L.A.S. kau jangan ckp dulu kau rajin whatsoever. Wey kalau kau rajin mak or mak sedare kau tak kan compare kau dengan Syikin la. Kau memang pemalas. Bilik air tu kau cuci sinki je sial nyer. Cuci sinki je rupenyer. Tapi care payah tu macam cuci dinding skali. LOL SIAL! Aku memang dah lame sabar dengan kau yang perangai malas babi tu. Dasar perempuan melayu bodoh hidup berpaksikan jantan. 

Please stop spoiling an adult.

 This post is specially published for my mother who loves her children unconditionally. I love you mother. I do. But please do not spoil me because eventually, it will disrupt my future self. I would become that lazy couch potato child who lives with their parents eating chips and over weight. God, please distance me from that kind of lifestyle. No, mom. no means no. There are too many consequences of such spoiled can cause a child. For instance, I did not know how to take care of myself because you care too much about me. I become afraid to venture out on my own. Such care is actually poison. Remember mom, ants die because of too much sugar. Please I'm begging you to let go of your child. Let me live my life the way I want it to be. Stop babying me. I'm 27 years old. 

FUCKKK

     Right now I felt terrible fuck up so much. seriously cant seems to think straight at all. why do my family just relax? why can't they feel a little pressured to try a bit better? I feel so demotivated just living with them every day drains my sparks so much. fuck. they are living like a freaking cats. what the fuck. I try to live like them for a few days and it drains me like dried up here. I cant understand their values of life at all. let's be real here do they want to be in this hell hole forever? how long do they wish to live in this shit hut small like an asshole? serious shit they are unreal. they are all so relaxed that they do not think for a better second in the future. yes, I know that we have to appreciate the now. however what if you live for another 30 years? do you still want to stay just the same you are now? fuck man.

Revealing of Hearts

 The title for today is about my mom's heart she reveals her true heart's thought about me today. It sounds great but not. She basically thought me to have an undesirable amount of envy towards my siblings. The most shocking moment is when she deliberately assumed it was just a simple mistake of conversation and words in sentences took place. Honestly, it is not that simple. Words have power. Each word that comes out of our mouth has been through the process of filtration in our minds. 

Mother: Please stop your envy towards Mimi for a while during the process of transferring money to her account.

Kaisya: Do not make an assumption towards me.

Then the drama begins. She basically ignores my self-defence towards her allegation and keeps on with the house chores. What a wonderful mother. I was adamant to assert my self-value and protect it by demonstrating a silent treatment towards my mother. Amazingly she did not realize it until Along came and ask her. 

In the end, I decided to forgive her and just claim that I am wrong because I mistakenly heard her words towards me. truthfully during that time, my heart dissipated into nothingness. Congratulation mother, you have just won a Blacklist medal.

RENOVATING

    The title says it all. I'm renovating myself towards a better human being. For months my life has been in turbulence and thunderstorms hit me hard. Since quitting my chambering position at the law firm, I have been severely depressed with series of stress eating cause me a whooping increase in weight for about 10 kilograms. 

    Now after finding some courage from the book Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins, to learn and ask the question of why have I become like a person I don't want to be at all. Finally, there is some light ahead of me to guide the path. I hope the lights get brighter day by day as good habits daily compounded into a great life ahead as stated in the book Atomic Habits by James Clear.

    Quoting my favourite author Robin Sharma said in his book 5AM Club, change is hard at the beginning, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end. I believe now, everything is possible as long as I unlimit myself from the thought of LIE- Limited Idea Entertained explained in the book Limitless by Jim Kwik. 

    

    Last but not least, there is no need for brutal confrontation and people out there is not interested in your idea, they will always be interested in their own idea thus, do not engage in a meaningless confrontation. An argument does not benefit anyone, to win you have to lose and win people instead just as describe in the book Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. 

RECUPERATING

 There will always be a way for some of us to find back the path we neglect behind due to some occurrence in life that forces the worst of ourselves. How should I venture to a new life path from now on? I will always remember how to be the greatest in trying to be the best.

 Figuring out Life

Today is the day that I quit my pupilage with Sulaimi Sarmini & Partners KL. It just too much for me and I can't handle it well. Imagine that conveyancing is just much scarier compared with criminal litigation. My soul was eaten alive bit by bit. Eventually, in just under 3 weeks, I have collapsed from extreme pressure. They seem to judge me a lot. The basic letter to be sent out was tremendously rejected due to insufficient legal jargon and grammatical error. Therefore, as nature of conveyancing consist of corresponding letters and letters. Hence I decided to quit. The situation is more like now or never.

 REVELATION DAY

Today is a revelation day for me. I realized the harsh way that the way I give myself away was something too much for them and it would not be reciprocating towards me back. I will only hurt myself. Kau kene ingat kaisya, dalam hidup ini you r nobody to anybody. Simpan hati jangan bagi kat sesiapapun. They never will be deserving to deserve your unconditional extraordinary love. Do not set your self for a trap of disappointment ever again. Cukuplah haritu adalah hari terakhir kau akan kecewa sebegitu sekali kaisya. Jaga hati baik2.  Hati Kaisya only for Kaisya. Maybe maybe far away in the future maybe, Allah will give you someone yang maybe n maybe can take care of your hati. But for now never give it to anyone. Maybe too much maybe. Its all fucking bullshit. But yeah all is well. You can sustain your own self with selflove. Dalam dunia kau hanya kau yang layak dapat ape yang kau provide. Janganlah lagi kongsi hati kau tu dgn org. Orang tak kan Nampak bertapa kau susah or push diri kau untuk dorang. Dorang tak kan terima bende yang membebankan. N dorang will eventually buat kau terbeban pulak lepas tu tunjuk or nak cover ape yang dorang dah abaikan sebelum tu. Bende2 mcm ni memenatkan hati, jiwa dan perasan. Tolonglah janganlah set up ur ownself for another disappointment. 

Peristiwa bersejarah tarikh 16 November 2020, the best day ever for me to realize the fuck up that I am nobody to anybody.  Then 17 November 2020 adalah hari dimana kau juga sedar bahawa kau sayang sangat kat dorang that even the thought of you make them tunggu n susah kan dorang kau akan sedih sampai tertekan yang teramat sangat. Kaisya know that Kaisya will always be here for you. 

Quality of Life

         First and foremost I would like to congratulate myself for accomplishing the impossible of graduating a Law degree. Never before I thought that I could acquire it. The quality of life which I live with seems not supportive towards greatness. Honestly, even now I have multiple internal problems such as toxic family members. For instance, as of now, I'm sitting in front of my laptop typing away this very entry because I felt suffocated with the situation at home. 

PANDEMIC 2020

Hi Kaisya. I am  writing this as me Kaisya to Kaisya myself. Hey Kaisya there is  no chances or odds that you could perhaps foresee this 2020 going to be terrible ends of your degree life.

25 years old

This post was not going to mean anything significant as what I have been trying to combat this 2019. the up and down of life has been too surreal that I haven't got the chance to purview the whole situation. mostly, my dormant yearning of becoming a police officer has come up to the surface which I could never have imagined it myself. who knows after several years I come back to Bukit nanas I come back to the heart of Kuala Lumpur and had the chance to be present at the IPD dang Wangi for 2 months. it uses to be in my childhood dream to be able to explore IPD Dang Wangi. the beautiful buildings I use to pass by almost everyday watching it from afar. the beautiful blue hues combine with the ivory snowy white along with the mighty police emblem. I really love the chance I got to spend my practicum period there. 

Buatlah kebaikan demi Allah

Okay mmg tajuk post kali ni agak keagamaan. tapi sememangnya kebelakangan ini aq mengalami dilema utk meneruskan kehidupan ini dengan penuh dedikasi. hanya allah sahaja yang tahu bertapa berkecamuk nya minda hamba nyaa ini. setiap saat aq berfikir benda yang tidak penting.

terkadang ku menyesal kerana melakukan ini pada ku. sesungguh nya aq ingin menjadi lebih baik dari sekarang ini ya allah. dalam hayat ini aq berjanji aq akan menjadi insan yang lebih sempurna. sememangnya aq iri dgn mereka yg berjaya memrangkul pencapaian yang tinggi dalam hidup ini. Ya Allah bantu dan iring la aq ke arah kejayaan.

Mirwana feat JayJay - Aku Tanpa CintaMu

This songs i used to sing it without knowing it real meaning. i always connect and relate this song with my moms breakable promises. but now i finally get the connotation of the lyrics which is so illustrative and symbolism of the ALLAH almighty.  For now wish i can be a good muslim and try my best in performing my ibadah and covering my aurat. i know it is so sudden but i dun want to search for human love its hurt. i want to start my journey and conquest of the right path. I want to search for ALLAH love. its is much more fulfilling rather than that of human love. Allah would never hurt his faithful believers. and i believe all rezeki comes from ALLAh so i have to keep my faith strong as there is no one can give me LOVE other than ALLAH. from HIM i come and to him i end. Thus this is what have to be decided by me tonight right now 10.34pm 17th May 2019 i kaisya will never search for human love but i rather walk on the journey of searching for ALLAH love. there is hell and heaven. and i want and definitely want to be place in the heaven.

Just now, during my Magrib prayer i have decided and pray to stop searching for human affection anymore. It hurt to be hurt by them. i want to jaga my own perasaan and hati. i dun want to get broken by anyone.

I will Close My Heart forever

its not that im searching for someone it just im open for love. But now i feel the hurt n broken of it and i dun like it. i dun want this feeling. it hurts a lot.  those days when i feel free and still can breath fresh air without wondering about a certain someone is just a pure bliss. however now it pure evil and erroneous. i dun want to feel this way. i want to break free. im a free bird and a cage isnt for me.

The heavy feeling within me

There is certainly paramount consideration of a heavy feeling in my chest. i seems to cant figure out the sources of this feeling. Its not that feeling of love, its not that feeling of missing its that kind of feeling where you felt empty within. Tell you the truth actually i feel quite a little bit missing his text which make me furious coz his nature of teasing others. i like that bout him, and yeah for real i dun mind what he is as a person in the society. its not that i was so blinded by love or anything. it just i dun think far enough as to why i have to bother by his social standing.

Back to our main topic, which is tht HEAVY feeling right. well hell yeah that feeling has been conquering ,e for a week. now i finally figure it out that i have that heavy feeling and im planning on subdue it back by being and acting rationale.

Thus this post is about how i will overthrown that rock heavy feeling within me by being me which is a rationale and intelligent and bold n furious me.

Everything Happens for a Reason

#No Regrets

Suratan dan Simpulan Takdir

Hidup tak selalunya indah. Setiap apa yang berlaku mempunyai ketentuan dan membuka laluan hidup seseorang. Semestinya, tiada aku pernah terfikir akan aku mempunyai dan menggapai apa yang aku mimpikan untuk menjadi kenyataan. Alhamdullillah Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya, takdir yang dikurniakan ini lebih manis berbanding kepahitan yang KAU berikan dahulu Ya Allah. Kejayaan itu lebih bermakna setelah melalui kegagalan.

Most biggest even i managed to organised 1 May 2019 dgn kerjasama with Inasis Sme Bank especially Zul Exco Sukan SME n Ayu. He helps me a lot. kalau bukan sebab HEP UUM buat perjumpaan Presiden2 then ade volunteer Student Union Task Force I could never meet them thru Fauzan Pres Ajkps SME. They are the best team. Not to forget Danny as the co-director of our tournament on behalf of UUM Chess Club. The Chess CLub's members also is the best team to be appreciate too. They are simply the best. Now I know the meanings of u have to forms ur Avengers to achieve the impossible.

Now I have to look forwards with my vision of having the International Chess Retreats at Langkawi.

6th Jan 2019

Its been a long time since I have write an entry for my blog. The feeling  I cannot describe because this blog is start it for ranting my overwhelm feeling towards my long time crush.  I could consider myself innocence girl in love because, i would never want to expressed my feeling n i would never thought or even dare thinking to be in a relationship with my crush. yes its stupid but call me whatever i would n shall never  express those feeling towards him. i would treat this blog as a place where i would convey my stupid crush or whenever i felt like to talk about him. for instance sometimes i feel like he n i is close or something, but at 1 point he would just shut me out. i hate it so much. why he did that? y cant he just shut me off if he  doesnt like me? or maybe he just kind right. soits not wrong to be friendly, but its kind of wrong to be friendly when u know or ought to have known that the girl u shower ur kindness with have a feeling towards u.