Disappointed

Last weekend, me and my sister decided to try selling some Corndog and drinks at Latib's Kolam Pancing.  He had told us previously via a phone conversation that there will be no others food and drinks stall. So we decided it is a good opportunity to set up an F&B stall. Unfortunately, he lied.  I am annoyed to this day. There is no worst misfortune that can defeat having a bad father.

Mirror Like Friend

 Hey Good Morning Kaisya, Yeah I know yesterday is such a roller coaster ride. Truthfully I am quite surprised to see myself in another person. For example, my mental illness about Bipolar Disorder has been a major setback for me to achieve and accomplish anything. Seeing is believing that is what everyone has said before. Now I have seen it and I believe it. The way people with Bipolar Disorder feel is different from normal people. They always feel more than others. If they are sad it's like the whole world crumbles into nothingness. If they are happy they feel like they are on cloud nine. 

Living my day

 Hey, I have been away for quite some time now. I actually missed something in my life. These past few months have been turbulence for me and the people around me. Last night, for some reason I don't know why I missed my soulmate(LCJI). Well, it's quite common to miss a person from time to time.

Lately, I have questioned my life plan. I have lots of doubts too. At the age of 27 years old what have I accomplished? Then the next question is am I will ever be ready to migrate to Spain in 5 years? Am I going to be a Chess Grandmaster 10 years from now? How do I achieve these goals? 

I need to build and accumulate tiny good habits every day. I really need to do that. Loving myself is just not enough anymore. I chose to focus on 1 thing in life which is my Chess career. My next big thing is to get that National Master title. 2022 is not that far away. For once in my life, I need to stop thinking that I still got time to leisure around. I watched a Netflix movie last night and the movie got to me. The movie basically got me thinking that time does not wait for anybody. I need to chase time. I am not getting younger. I am getting older by second, minutes, hours, days, months, and years. 

Those who fail to plan is planning to fail. Therefore I am going to plan my life, for real this time. Planing is about a rough sketch at first, then it will become a clearer picture. I already decided that the first thing going in my rough plan is;

1. Finished a book every month.

2. Play 10 chess games per day.

3. Morning Coffee or Tea.

4. Night Self-care routine.

5. Morning daily entry journal.

Mierda!!!

     Fuck you. Well, what I give I should get back. Aku tolong kerja kau while kau melepak dengan jantan. Aku tolong kerja kau yg kau tangguh sebab jantan. Ape sial nyer lepastu kau sidai aku as always sebab jantan. Wey WHAT THE FUCK SIAL!!!  kau memang hidup kau hanya berpaksikan jantan ke bodoh. Lepas tu bile aku marah dengan kau, kau nangis. Eh kau memang sial ke? Lepastu aku pulak yg kene marah dengan mak. Dasar babi. 

    Mak pun dari dulu sampai sekarang kalau anak die gaduh yang nangis tu victim. Yang tak nangis tu yang die akan marah n tegur. FUCK-OFF. The fuck wey aku yang kene marah. Walhal aku dah tolong mak kemas rumah and buang sampah. Meanwhile along tu just lepak dengan jantan. Do you know that Along does not even toleh kat mak la fikir nak tolong ke ape. Hidup dan Mati die hanye untuk Jantan. Die takde ambition whatsoever untuk improve diri sendiri. Yang die tahu die nak improve berape ramai jantan die boleh ade. Aku admit la aku single takde jantan. So jadual aku lain dengan die. But what the fuvk wey. 

    Kau tahu tak kalau kau gune masa kau yg kau spend untuk jantan-jantan kau tu boleh je kejar kejayaan. Seriously I have been trying to say all this things to your face but, I respect ur shit. However, yesterday issues is my last straw. I would never help you so that you can enjoy your time with jantan-jantan kau. Wey aku dah lame sabar kut dengan kau yang on-call malam-malam then ganggu aku nak tidur. The fuck sial kau beli katil King nak share tapi bodoh tak tahu yang nanti nak OTP dengan jantan susah. Bodoh. Kau dah la pemalas basuh baju sendiri pun malas. kemas rak baju sendiri pun sial malas nyer. LOL. Ade hati nak ber-jantan bagai. wey spender baju dalam pun mak tolong basuh. 

    Ehh sudah sudah la jadi malas nyer babi. Kau tak rase malu ke bodoh. Baju kau dari kotor, mak basuh mak sidai mak lipat mak susun. Eiiiii bodoh kau memang sial lepas tu acah nangis acah baik buat aku nampak villain. SIAL!  Mak akan anggap aku jahat. Padehal kau yang macam babi sidai aku lame-lame. Kau memang perangai sial kau sidai jantan kau sampai kau gune kat aku jugak. Babi! Aku tolong kau kemas bilik, kemas rak baju, basuh pinggan mangkuk kau masak tolong kerja kau tolong susun baju kau. Ini aku dapat. Kau memang sial. Aku janji dengan diri aku, yang aku tak kan layan perangai sial pemalas kau ever again. Kau nak malas lantak kau. 

    Btw sial, kau kan memang pemalas kau P.E.M.A.L.A.S. kau jangan ckp dulu kau rajin whatsoever. Wey kalau kau rajin mak or mak sedare kau tak kan compare kau dengan Syikin la. Kau memang pemalas. Bilik air tu kau cuci sinki je sial nyer. Cuci sinki je rupenyer. Tapi care payah tu macam cuci dinding skali. LOL SIAL! Aku memang dah lame sabar dengan kau yang perangai malas babi tu. Dasar perempuan melayu bodoh hidup berpaksikan jantan. 

Please stop spoiling an adult.

 This post is specially published for my mother who loves her children unconditionally. I love you mother. I do. But please do not spoil me because eventually, it will disrupt my future self. I would become that lazy couch potato child who lives with their parents eating chips and over weight. God, please distance me from that kind of lifestyle. No, mom. no means no. There are too many consequences of such spoiled can cause a child. For instance, I did not know how to take care of myself because you care too much about me. I become afraid to venture out on my own. Such care is actually poison. Remember mom, ants die because of too much sugar. Please I'm begging you to let go of your child. Let me live my life the way I want it to be. Stop babying me. I'm 27 years old. 

FUCKKK

     Right now I felt terrible fuck up so much. seriously cant seems to think straight at all. why do my family just relax? why can't they feel a little pressured to try a bit better? I feel so demotivated just living with them every day drains my sparks so much. fuck. they are living like a freaking cats. what the fuck. I try to live like them for a few days and it drains me like dried up here. I cant understand their values of life at all. let's be real here do they want to be in this hell hole forever? how long do they wish to live in this shit hut small like an asshole? serious shit they are unreal. they are all so relaxed that they do not think for a better second in the future. yes, I know that we have to appreciate the now. however what if you live for another 30 years? do you still want to stay just the same you are now? fuck man.

Revealing of Hearts

 The title for today is about my mom's heart she reveals her true heart's thought about me today. It sounds great but not. She basically thought me to have an undesirable amount of envy towards my siblings. The most shocking moment is when she deliberately assumed it was just a simple mistake of conversation and words in sentences took place. Honestly, it is not that simple. Words have power. Each word that comes out of our mouth has been through the process of filtration in our minds. 

Mother: Please stop your envy towards Mimi for a while during the process of transferring money to her account.

Kaisya: Do not make an assumption towards me.

Then the drama begins. She basically ignores my self-defence towards her allegation and keeps on with the house chores. What a wonderful mother. I was adamant to assert my self-value and protect it by demonstrating a silent treatment towards my mother. Amazingly she did not realize it until Along came and ask her. 

In the end, I decided to forgive her and just claim that I am wrong because I mistakenly heard her words towards me. truthfully during that time, my heart dissipated into nothingness. Congratulation mother, you have just won a Blacklist medal.

RENOVATING

    The title says it all. I'm renovating myself towards a better human being. For months my life has been in turbulence and thunderstorms hit me hard. Since quitting my chambering position at the law firm, I have been severely depressed with series of stress eating cause me a whooping increase in weight for about 10 kilograms. 

    Now after finding some courage from the book Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins, to learn and ask the question of why have I become like a person I don't want to be at all. Finally, there is some light ahead of me to guide the path. I hope the lights get brighter day by day as good habits daily compounded into a great life ahead as stated in the book Atomic Habits by James Clear.

    Quoting my favourite author Robin Sharma said in his book 5AM Club, change is hard at the beginning, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end. I believe now, everything is possible as long as I unlimit myself from the thought of LIE- Limited Idea Entertained explained in the book Limitless by Jim Kwik. 

    

    Last but not least, there is no need for brutal confrontation and people out there is not interested in your idea, they will always be interested in their own idea thus, do not engage in a meaningless confrontation. An argument does not benefit anyone, to win you have to lose and win people instead just as describe in the book Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.